Bloggy bag – Today's leftovers.
Posted by jtbourne on January 18, 2009 · 8 Comments
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The back page of Sports Illustrated was something that for many years sports fans knew and loved. Most males who had 6 minutes to spend in a waiting room grabbed the most recent SI, and read ‘”The Life of Reilly”, Rick Reilly’s sometimes funny, always smart piece on not sports, but people in sports. Well what in the name of Christmas is going over there at SI? This has seemingly been the worlds longest tryout of inadequate candidates for any job (unless you count the previous two presidential elections). I suppose it takes time to build the credentials and gain the experience and yadda yadda whatthehell? You’re kind of a well known sports magazine over there guys. I understand Rick wrote some tear-jerkers, but this semi-sappy carousel of pseudo-serious articles is more disappointing than getting your bag of McNuggets home to find no sweet and sour sauce. I’m over it. ESPN, you have my attention.
Random: In the pit of a particularly glaring college hangover, myself and two roommates made our way to a McDonald’s to grease the engines with some sustenance. I remember taking a bite and uttering “this sweet and sour sauce is spicy…” NO. No. No it wasn’t. It may have been sweet, it could have possibly even been sour. The name of the sauce is two describing words, and I nailed neither of them. Wow Bourne. Lock it up.
I think I need to talk about the documentary I just watched. I know I hinted at a movie ratings system, but hold on to your hats, it’s still in the developmental stage (read: received 0 seconds thought). I have some time to kill, what with the wired mouth, pain meds and no car here in Boise, so I rented 7 documentaries on Thursday. I went through them faster than Winehouse does blow. 30 hours, 7 shows. Yeah. That. Just. Happened.
Random: If you time the pain meds just right, every nature show is amaaazing, I assume because I’m duller than a two-use razor at Robin Williams house. Planet Earth, for example, gets 11 of whatever it is i’m going to award for awesomeness points (which won’t be awesomeness points. Those aren’t awesome.)
STONEHENGE: DECODED
Thenarratorhadalisp. Sorry, I couldn’t get that out there fast enough. The narrator had a lisp. Still does, I assume. Talk about things that warrant a “That. Just. Happened”. You know why? Because it did. I was there. I sat there, and used my ears, to hear the sounds coming from the speakers, which in turn relayed messages and information. From that information, I discovered, that some of the stones in Stonehenge can ”weigh up to 45 tonth”. Ohhhh, boy. Let’s be clear here, I’m not making fun of speech impediments; hell my teeth are wired shut. On the other hand, I’m not exactly handing out resumes for jobs that involve MAKING SOUNDS INTO WORDS. And what a difference in enjoyment the narrator can make, am I right? Has anyone seen Planet Earth (everyone just replied yes, in the imaginary room I’m apparently doing stand-up comedy in)? David Attenborough is like… the personification of what I imagine a full body massage from a cloud feels like.[polldaddy poll=1284960]
Highlight of my tenure on the couch:
Let me set this up: Sweatpants, old t-shirt, slippers. DQ peanut buster parfait, sans peanuts. Girlfriend. Flat screen HD TV, Planet Earth’s “shallow seas”, lights off no talking allowed. David Attenborough’s words gingerly dancing about the Caribbean. Also, no talking allowed. I mean…. right? Isn’t this the stuff guys discover when they’re like… you know what… I never really liked the bar that much. I mean… I guess I could just catch the guys next week… maybe this how men become the p word they call each other 90% of the time in any all male situation.
Guys just get older though, and they like it. It starts with “man, it sure is cheaper to drink at home” and ends in “Grandpa’s just set in his ways, leave him be”. I’m halfway to a Sunday scotch, the crossword puzzle and racial slurs (oh, Grandpa’s from a different time). Speaking of that character, Gran Torino was amazing. On a scale of red, it gets a tiger-shark (the scale is a work in progress). I didn’t realize you could degrade someone of Hmong descent in so many ways, but Eastwood goes above and beyond. In that sense, and in his role as Walt Kowalski 
. Clint is like the two guys in the balcony on the muppets, minus the laughing and the having a friend. But you warm up to him, you just have to. I won’t play spoiler, but his family doesn’t get him, his neighbors don’t either and he doesn’t care. And you have to admire anyone who speaks how they feel, with the exception of people who speak for a living and feel like total bigots (see: Don Imus, Michael Richards).
I’ll work on that system.
I'm a hockey player turned writer. After playing for Alaska Anchorage in the WCHA (NCAA), I carried on with an NHL tryout (New York Islanders in 2007) before spending a couple seasons in the AHL/ECHL (last year was 2008-09). My father, Bob Bourne, won four Stanley Cups with the Islanders in the '80's, as did my fiancee's dad, Clark Gillies. I'm now the web editor for theScore's hockey blog "Backhand Shelf."
Justin…
Though our situations are completely different, they are somewhat the same. This morning I thought to myself, “I am going to write a list of all the things I am stoked to do when I have two arms again.” For example….wash my hair, face, dishes, bathtub… basically everything, like a normal human being. Open a jar. Carry more than one item. Use my thumb. And then I saw your Facebook status. Bizarre. I amused myself by reading your blog while resting between attempts to fold laundry to laugh out loud at your possible titles and nod at the ‘laugh at myself’ line immediately following and add to it that I just laugh a lot louder at any movie (of many I might mention) I watch while not being able to drive. (All out loud of course, keeping myself company, you know.)
Also, on a completely unrelated note. I love David Attenborough. Ms. Kappes used to show his documentaries in Biology 11. When I was home at Christmas I saw a hole case of them hiding on some shelf…”HEY, I KNOW him, I know him” I thought to myself. A sad moment for me. I was way too excited.
Anyway, sounds like you’ve moved your way through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and are onto acceptance.
I got there last week. Three weeks left till the cast comes off! Can’t wait to see the Hansel and Gretel chicken bone arm after two months of hiding. Ha.
Kimberly
Hey Kim,
I’m glad you can relate! You understand how the development of “crazy old ladies” happens. I’m money for litter short of starting my cat-brigade. Hope all is well and your wee little arm works its way back to functioning. I’m sure my re-arranged yellowing teeth are going to destroy the first thing they’re allowed to touch!
Ya, it’s going to be so hard that first castless day to realize how useless my arm is and that I likely will still NOT be able to open that jar until about day 3. Ha. Don’t break any teeth on your first big tear.
Yo. Nice work on the first posts. Went to technorati to see if you’re getting any props yet. Not quite, but found two blogs you should relate to:
http://jawwiredshut.blogspot.com/
http://bournie.blogspot.com/
(What are the chances? Another bourne blog from someone headed to Alaska?)
KJ
This. Is. Hilarious.
Amazing the avenues of creativity you can venture down when hockey isn’t taking a zillion percent of your life. I think we both owe a reasonable tithe to our comedic inspirations. And by inspirations plural, I mean Jerry. And the Simpsons, who I stole the “if by____ ,you mean____ ,” bit from.
TO DO:
-make “To-Do” List
-Book full-body massage from cloud.
Your blog is hilarious, if this is what you’re like when you can’t speak I think we can all agree that — well, it’s a funny blog. I love the random musing of a guy forced to sit around and do nothing, it’s perfect. On a scale of red, it gets a tiger shark.
Good call on people with speech impediments and narration, let’s take Professional Pronouncer off of the CAPP sheet there and try to maybe show some respect to James Earl Jones and Patrick Stewart.
Rick Reilly had my attention until the diatribe he wrote bagging on Canadians (because the U.S. anthem was getting booed in Canadian cities during the outbreak of the internationally popular and successful war in Iraq). Maybe I’m sensitive. It’s an interesting read if you haven’t seen it.
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1022432/index.htm
Keep it coming you witty Englishman!
oops small correction, it wasn`t the outbreak it was the lead-up
I feel like that Rick Reilly article is the exact same as the Namath clip, like for some reason it was live and nobody had time to proof read or edit what he was going to say. It’s like he got caught uttering a racist slur, but because it was an entire country, not a colo(u)r, we couldn’t call him on it. I love a lot of his work (bought his book this summer) but that does seem particularily slanderous. I like the 65 cents to the dollar joke… nothing like saying “shut-out” when your team is up 5-0 Rick. Sorry to see your economy is in a free-fall.