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A Completely Batshit Crazy Blog Entry

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New Puck Daddy: In honor of Taylor Hall’s first goal, a discussion on the Art of Redirecting the Puck

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I LOVE this character on Family Guy

As per the headline, this is gonna sound batshit crazy, but hear me out.

So, here what I want when I die:

I want there to be some sweet afterlife where the-god-of-your-choosing has a huge stack of lists.  Maybe they’re digital, that’d make more sense for saving space, actually.  …Come to think of it, I bet he’d have sick technology.

I want those lists to be about every human that’s ever lived, and contain something similar to ratings from an NHL video game, so we can see what we were given to work with in our lifetimes at EVERYTHING. 

Like, maybe I was given the most jai alai talent in the world, and god’s gonna be like “Aw, DUDE! How could you not have tried it ONCE, you’d have discovered your gift in a second!  There was this one time, this guy was going to invite you (shows a clip of a guy going to ask me to play jai alai) and look!  He sees you pick your nose and turns around.  You coulda been the best, man.”

(Seinfeld: “it was a scratch!”)

Maybe there’s some guy in Africa who would’ve been the best hockey player in the world, but just never got the chance to play.

You were useless. Just truly an embarrassment.

Then I want there to be the real lists, that show how we stack up all-time at the things we actually did partake in (and not just sports). 

Like, am I in the top five percentile of people who drive well with their knees?  Where do I rank in total-time-in-the-shower?

The third and final set of lists needs to be some sort of percentage ratio thing that shows your total-potential-achieved. 

As in, maybe I was given bottom-ten percent writing ability, but given that I made a living at it, I maxed it out.  Which gifts did I waste most?

It’d be fun just to have the raw data.  Ounces of beer consumed?  Most burgers nommed?  Gimme the digits here, who rode the most elephants?

This guy here, this guy's got LISTS. /Gruden'd

I want to die, meet this guy, and have him be like. “Check. This. Out, dude.  Complete, comprehensive lists.  You were a fucking HORRIBLE volleyball player.”

…See. I told you it was going to sound batshit crazy. 

But still. ….I just really wanna know where I rank in all-time total-feet-I’ve-thrown-a-baseball, total-times-hitting-enter-on-a-keyboard and a million other things.

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Moving on here….

Go read Bill Simmons column on the Miami Heat, Lebron and Wade, and what he thinks is going on with that team.  I know you’re “sick of hearing about the Heat,” but they’re intensely interesting, and this is the best article I’ve read on where they’re at.

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And now, your moment of zen.  After Seguin scores…. 

Comments

30 Responses to “A Completely Batshit Crazy Blog Entry”
  1. Rob says:

    I’ve also wondered a lot about your “list concept.” Very cool idea, but how much weed we’re you smoking as you wrote this? As a Bruins fan I absolutely loved the Thank you Kessel chant, even though it’s too early to judge.

  2. Cassie says:

    LOVED. THIS. Thank you! :o D

  3. jtbourne says:

    I should write about weed one day. Honestly, I like the concept of it better than actually smoking it. I think it’s got a great culture around it, but as opposed to laid back, cool and happy I always just want it to end because I feel retarded. Thus, your boy don’t smoke. Sad, I know.

  4. sherm says:

    Lists in Heaven? You sure that wouldn’t be hell? Just a thought.

  5. jtbourne says:

    Not just any lists, sir. Rankings.

  6. Navin V. says:

    Brilliant idea.

    As much as I hated the Kessel chant, kudos to Bruins fans. I now look forward to Leafs and Bruins games more than Leafs/Senators and Leafs/Habs.

  7. Derek says:

    I am relatively certain my buddy would be the all time leader in shower time. The guy regularly has hour long showers, has at least two showers per day, and when he gets really drunk he goes and sits in the shower.

    I would love to see those lists. I have a nagging feeling that I am awesome at something, I just don’t know what it is.

    I feel you on the weed too. I always have a good time smoking weed until the actual effects of it kick in. Then I go to sleep. It’s terribly lame. I’m out within a half hour of smoking every single time.

  8. KForbes says:

    I’ve kinda thought about this a bit too.

    Well, less the rankings and more the special talents never applied.
    Like the thought that the kid who would have been able to cure diseases has already lived and died in relatively poverty in some third world country or that the guy who would have invented hoverboards died during WWII.

    And then I read Malcolm Gladwell and felt sad…

  9. The Peerless says:

    I imagine that guy is like the guy in the Matrix movie with the keys. Tucked away in his own little room making up lists… “I make lists because I must make lists. It is my purpose. It is the reason I am here. The same reason we are all here.”

  10. jtbourne says:

    I’m intensely interested in comments today, since I’ve mulled this about for like, ever. It feels very Drew Magary-ish now that I read it, but nice to know other people are down to find out all that stuff too.

    KForbes
    – really, that’s why people like Da Vinci and Ben Franklin or so incredible. Not only do you have to have the gifts, you have to randomly be put in the right situations, and y’know, not get hit by a stray bullet.

    Bart – what a great link, EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

  11. KForbes says:

    I kinda put that Gladwell comment in as a throwaway, but yeah, have any of you read any of his work?

    His book Outliers speaks a lot about why successful people (the outliers) are in fact succesful.
    To bring this discussion back to hockey for a second, one of the examples he uses is about how the age cutoff for hockey (calendar year) means that players born in the first half of the year are more likely to be successful hockey players.

    It’s an interesting theory and it’s presented in a sensible way and his book looks at a lot of stuff like that (from hockey players to why Asians are better at math to why there are so many Jewish lawyers in New York…I wish those were jokes, but it’s the actual book).

    Really interesting, but like I said, kind of deflating and a lot has been written since Gladwell has rose to prominence about why he’s wrong and so on, but yeah…worth the pick up.

  12. Reed says:

    Looks like someone has played a little too much Grand theft auto. Hilarious

  13. Steve C. says:

    Love the “list” idea, but my fear is that me and 99.99999999% of people would find out they had no potential at anything!

    Sorry for the buzz-kill (…pun intended but not directed at Bourne) but wouldn’t you rather have the list sooner rather than later?

  14. You’re definitely not the only one to have thought about this. Love the article. I think the key is that, during your time here, you gotta strut around like you actually are the best in the world at something. If you can do that, and be pretty good at the things you love, you’re set.

  15. paul says:

    I’m now scared hat the ‘afterlife’ is some strange combination of Bourne’s ‘Mortal Power Rankings’ crossed with the movie ‘Defending your Life’ and that I am not doing enough to help my rankings.

    If you rank high, you move on to heaven or get another life but you get to go back with higher Mortal Power Rankings and become an actor or rock star or something.

  16. minnesotagirl71 says:

    Those lists are a very cool idea!

    What about a lifetime +/- number? All the good/benefit you contributed to the world minus all the bad/detriment you created. Maybe I should start thinking about that number now….

  17. Rich says:

    I would love to see the “how you lived up to your potential” list. But imagine finding out that you had all the tools to succeed at your chosen profession, but only lived up to like 10% of your potential. That would make for a long, depressing afterlife. Sens fans can insert their favorite Alexandre Daigle joke here.

  18. Dundy says:

    Off topic here but heard your interview with the Kurtenbloggers last night on the way home from hockey and found it entertaining. Thought your followers might be interested in checking it out on the KB site. Hopefully you can work out something to be a regular guest.

    http://communities.canada.com/theprovince/blogs/kurtenblog/default.aspx

  19. rdischer says:

    Justin – Just discovered the site here and really enjoy the writing. …especially this post.

    My question though is where this meeting with The Almighty occurs. Is this a one-on-one? Are there other people in the room? If someone from your past is now dead and was involved in the area being discussed, are they in the chair next to you? I mean…if Jehova is reviewing my early 20′s and ticking off all of the dumb stuff I did (beers consumed metrics, etc), I think the fellas I was with at the time would enjoy the recap…and I also assume that, being the Almighty, he could make that joint meeting happen.

    Also, what’s the setting? Is this going to look like my annual review with my boss…in some generic downtown office building that has bad carpet and unflattering lighting? Does it take place at my local watering hole (the heavenly version, natch, where I don’t have to settle the tab)?

    Someone has to ask the tough questions. Plus, it’s Friday. Seems topical and appropriately time-wastey.

    Again, love the site. Look forward to checking out the other stuff on PD and elsewhere

  20. Alanna says:

    B’s fans remember that Kessel was traded, right? Why do they hate on this guy so much? He overcame cancer fer crissakes! I wouldn’t be surprised if he scored 50 goals this year and Seguin had 10, so suck on that, Boston.
    I don’t have any profound comment to your heaven ranking post, unfortunately. It does kinda’ remind me about a paper I wrote for a philosophy of religion class, in which I described life on Earth as God’s ant farm and my prof went apeshit on me. (“You said we could take any angle we wanted!”)

  21. St. Cloud Gopher says:

    Alanna: “Any angle you want” is code for, “reword what I said/think/believe.”

    I love the +/- idea in a “heaven.” I don’t really want to know what I could have been good at. I’ve tried a plethora of activities, both sport and non-sport. I’m not especially good at any of them. However, as a middling slow-pitch first baseman (in line with the Mientkiewicz’s of the world, not the Pujols’), I still enjoy it. I don’t continue to do things I don’t like to do, whether I am good at it or not. (For example, I am fairly proficient at math, but hate it to no end. Unless it has something to do with comparing why Francisco Liriano was, in fact, a better pitcher than C.C. Sabathia.)

  22. Deirdre says:

    @ Bart & JT…you know that’s an Onion article right? Just checking!

    Love the idea – and if it’s heaven, we can now go down to the local cloud and play the best game of Jaialai EVER!

  23. ms.conduct says:

    I’m surprised you’re not more of a baseball fan. Sounds like a stats-junkie type of thing.

    The more I think about it, the more I like it, though I’d hope for a positive spin. Otherwise, I’m stuck for all eternity wondering which 27 people went to the grave hating my guts or whatever.

  24. Jeff says:

    That’s fucked.

  25. jtbourne says:

    Therrrrrreeee it is. :)

  26. TheOldeFirm says:

    Ok, I’ve had a day to think about this:

    If the theory of infinite parallel universes is correct, then than means that in some universe you never picked your nose, and you did become the best jai alai player ever! It also means that in another universe, you ended up poking your nose a little too far, perhaps with a crayon.

    It can be scary to measure your life by what you’ve accomplished and what you could’ve been, but what if you were given a list that measured you against other versions of yourself? Do you be happy that you, somewhere, maximised your potential, or do you resent your luck at not having been born as that dude?

    Even weirder, when you die, do you meet up with the other versions of yourself and swap stories? That would be one hell of a conversation.

  27. Meg Jarrell says:

    OK, you’re right. This is batshit crazy. I want more!! AWESOMESAUCE!

  28. KForbes says:

    TheOldeFirm:
    “Even weirder, when you die, do you meet up with the other versions of yourself and swap stories? That would be one hell of a conversation.”

    I would think that would kind of be like a high school reunion. You’d want to show up with the best story. Can you imagine you walk in and some other version of you is an astronaut. Dammit…

  29. Richie says:

    Maybe my grasp of the multi-verse (theory of infinite parallel universes) is off but the idea is not so much infinite you’s but rather infinite paths of your one life. That implies all the paths re-converge at death which is where it gets tricky with some paths having a shorter duration than others.

    Then again time is instantaneous not linear, that’s just how we reference it so duration is just our perception of time and length thereof. And no I have not taken any mind-altering narcotics, these are the things that trouble me regularly….

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