A Completely Batshit Crazy Blog EntryShareThis
New Puck Daddy: In honor of Taylor Hall’s first goal, a discussion on the Art of Redirecting the Puck
As per the headline, this is gonna sound batshit crazy, but hear me out.
So, here what I want when I die:
I want there to be some sweet afterlife where the-god-of-your-choosing has a huge stack of lists. Maybe they’re digital, that’d make more sense for saving space, actually. …Come to think of it, I bet he’d have sick technology.
I want those lists to be about every human that’s ever lived, and contain something similar to ratings from an NHL video game, so we can see what we were given to work with in our lifetimes at EVERYTHING.
Like, maybe I was given the most jai alai talent in the world, and god’s gonna be like “Aw, DUDE! How could you not have tried it ONCE, you’d have discovered your gift in a second! There was this one time, this guy was going to invite you (shows a clip of a guy going to ask me to play jai alai) and look! He sees you pick your nose and turns around. You coulda been the best, man.”
(Seinfeld: “it was a scratch!”)
Maybe there’s some guy in Africa who would’ve been the best hockey player in the world, but just never got the chance to play.
Then I want there to be the real lists, that show how we stack up all-time at the things we actually did partake in (and not just sports).
Like, am I in the top five percentile of people who drive well with their knees? Where do I rank in total-time-in-the-shower?
The third and final set of lists needs to be some sort of percentage ratio thing that shows your total-potential-achieved.
As in, maybe I was given bottom-ten percent writing ability, but given that I made a living at it, I maxed it out. Which gifts did I waste most?
It’d be fun just to have the raw data. Ounces of beer consumed? Most burgers nommed? Gimme the digits here, who rode the most elephants?
I want to die, meet this guy, and have him be like. “Check. This. Out, dude. Complete, comprehensive lists. You were a fucking HORRIBLE volleyball player.”
…See. I told you it was going to sound batshit crazy.
But still. ….I just really wanna know where I rank in all-time total-feet-I’ve-thrown-a-baseball, total-times-hitting-enter-on-a-keyboard and a million other things.
Moving on here….
Go read Bill Simmons column on the Miami Heat, Lebron and Wade, and what he thinks is going on with that team. I know you’re “sick of hearing about the Heat,” but they’re intensely interesting, and this is the best article I’ve read on where they’re at.
And now, your moment of zen. After Seguin scores….