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Aimless, Arbitrary, and Awesome



On a daily basis, I scribble down random thoughts I have and dumb things I do.  Periodically I print a few. This, is a.d.d. at its finest:


A buddy came up with a great way to avoid misleading player stats in hockey, and now it seems so obvious.  Why is points-per-game a stat, when it should be points-per-minute?  Wouldn’t it be easier to dig up diamonds in the rough if you could prove that some kid who scores every tenth game is twice as productive as someone scoring every fourth game, simply because he gets a fraction of the playing time?  Seems like a practical stat, no? 

(Fact: using this simple theory, Sidney Crosby is still nine times as productive as Taylor Pyatt.  In other ground-breaking news, people like ice cream in the summer.)


Today, I remembered to answer a business call in my most professional voice while driving.  Unfortunately, I didn’t remember that I was pumping “Hot Steppa” in the car.  There’s a chance it detracted from my credibility.


An expression I recently heard and liked:  “If at first you dont succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you”. 

no she didn't.

no she didn't.

An expression I recently saw and loved: 








I just hate Carlos Mencia so much.  I just watched six hour-long DVD’s on the history of comedy, the pioneers, the classics, the gems.  The fact that he gets mentioned at all on a DVD with so many great names rattles me.  Who does he think he is, acting like he’s doggedly fighting to raise minority awareness or something.  Ha! to that.  He exploits them for a living.  He makes Mexican jokes that appeal to the slower class, and aren’t that clever.  He’s basically Larry the Cable guy without the likability.


An old joke from the “Make ‘em Laugh – The Business of Comedy” box set that I still love is about the trials and tribulations of Nelson Mandela, who endured 27 years of jail time and torture, to finally get freed to his home and his wife.  Six months later, divorce.  Chris Rock, fake-quoting Mandela:  “I can take beatings, abuse, torture and misery, but I just CAN’T. TAKE. ANY MORE OF THIS WOMAN!”. 


How important is having a solid pillow?  To phrase it like Seinfeld, who arrre these people who want the squishy, supportless pillow?  They must exist, since hotels strictly cater to these people who clealy enjoy resting their head on a napkin and six feathers. I hope you’re comfortable, because you’re RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US.


Michael Vick got re-instated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, I assume because he believes that everyone deserves a second chance, except dogs that suck at fighting.  Those we drown permanently.


What is it about awful pants that’s satisfying the jones for booze in John Daly?  Maybe just feeling like an extremist again?  I hope this new image overhaul is panning out for him, cause I know it’s been a huge pain having to adjust the contrast on my TV everytime him and his pants make a cameo.


What was so immovable when they built the Houston Astros new stadium that they had to build an uphill slope in centerfield?  An indian burial ground?  Used PED needles from the 90′s?  Maybe hockey teams should look at designing some completely arbitrary features like this.  Maybe a random ramp at one of the blue-lines so guys can do freestyle skiing moves mid breakaway.  Canada would dominate that sport.


Has anyone heard an interview with the classic band “Spinal Tap”?  Can we get them a radio show or something?


Jimmy Fallon is money in the late night spot, but it makes me not want to watch when he has to do those awful “commercials” where he holds a Sprint phone up and talks about how and why he loves it for a minute or two.  They have to realize this is a major turn off soon. Embarrassing for Fallon, no?


I had no idea Hawerchuk was the first to jump on the Lemieux-Gretter ’87 Canada Cup goal pile until I saw a random clip yesterday.  I’m gonna ask him some question about that when he’s at our fantasy camp like “why were you an entire zone behind at the time”?



That cleans my idea locker out a bit.  What are your thoughts?


21 Responses to “Aimless, Arbitrary, and Awesome”
  1. ms.condcut says:

    Laughed out loud at the pillow thing. My theory is that hotels are trying to smother sleepers from the back side, though I haven’t figured out the motivation yet, because you’d think they frown on dead patrons.

    But it’s like your head sinks down so deep in these things that you can’t even breathe. And the more you stack them to try and escape out of it, the worse it gets. Quicksand.

    I punish them by turning the air down to MeatLocker-degrees F. Take that, Marriott.

  2. megkath says:

    But ‘Head Swap’ ’7th Floor West’ and ‘Let us Play with your Look’ totally make up for those cheesy phone thingys on Fallon, right?

  3. jtbourne says:

    Oh, 109% yes, mostly just 7th Floor West. But I love all things Roots, and the monologue is sharp (but waaay too short!). Plus, I love Higgins.

    Ms. C – Ahhh, the ultimate room-mate factor: temperature. Most guys like it ridiculously cold, but hotels suck because its impossible to have a comfortable temperature. They offer the all-nipple special, or sweat-out-the-toxins temperature. And all come with with the soothing sound of a weedeater clipping a beehive.

  4. P. D. says:

    Shared experience, Slow Jamming the News, Hot Dog in a Hole and his news station promos take the cake in Fallons show! I thought I was gonna hate him because I was not a fan during his SNL run (except for the Barry Gibb talk show!) but I love his late night show. Also you know Spinal Tap is a made up band right? They are classic though. “But our amps go to eleven.” And you know the best thing about ole Carlos? He is only like 1/8th Mexican or something! It’s not even his real name!

  5. jtbourne says:

    Haha, it’s so obvious to me now that they’re made up. I did not know that. I just saw them on two talk shows, and never took a second to listen to any of the music, simple because I hate their fake genre to begin with, let alone during the performers golden years. That’s hilarious.

  6. rm says:

    Re Spinal Tap:
    they were on the Daily Show this week (Wednesday 7/29?). Hey, when you are unemployed, all the days seem to run together.

    Re hotel pillows: I am not a fan of the soft squishy pillows either. However, my dog loves them. I have a great photo on my cell phone of her lying on the bed. While I was in the shower, she re-arranged the 6 squishy pillows such that she was right in the middle of them. All that was missing were the livered flavored bon-bons!

    My beef with hotel rooms is the lack of moisture. It is *sooo* dry that I wake up with a stuffed up nose, sore throat and dry skin despite the fact that I used a ton of moisturizer before going to bed.

    Where was the “Your wife called…” sign photo taken? that is a very cool sign.

  7. Sally says:

    JT, I think this wins the award for most attention deficit disordered post ever. Nice!

  8. eyebleaf says:

    “Hot Steppa” = instant respect.

  9. SDC says:

    and you give me heat for writing long posts…
    Gretzky-Lemieux…..Hawerchuk????? Odd line combination, but Hawerchuk must’ve been right in his heyday– he had a snipe and an apple that game. I was going to speculate he came off the bench for the celebration before I watched the video and saw he was a legit part of that line.

  10. Travis says:

    Not to mention the flag pole they have in center field in Houston. A pole behind each net will make for some interesting goaltender outings…

  11. Kyle says:

    I have read your column (“blog” just doesn’t do it for me) since its inception. I have even commented before. I can’t think of one time that I could legitimately argue a point or not nod my head at a sarcastic remark. But that was before today. Along with Dane Cook and, yes, Carlos Mencia, Jimmy Fallon is responsible for setting comedy back at least to the period before Richard Pryor, maybe even back to Charlie Chaplin. Love the work, just could not let this one go.

  12. jtbourne says:

    Ha, I love passionate, non-dick comments. Feel it brotha.

    Unfortunately, I just can’t agree. Fallon is funny. I’m sorry.

  13. deirdrebeth says:

    Ok, having now gone and looked up Hot Steppa it’s possible it detracted – but there are *much* worse things that you could have been listening too as far as business-rep goes.

    Plus, it’s totally danceable

  14. deirdrebeth says:

    Ok, now I’m totally posting just to see if my gravatar will show up…

  15. Pete says:

    i believe hawerchuk was interfering/chopping down a russian in the neutral zone, hence larry murphy as the 3rd guy into the zone.

    seriously, there’s a video on youtube (i can’t access at work) titled something along the lines of “how canada won the 87 canada cup.”

    i’m sure you have time to look up the link while listening to snow’s “informer”…..

  16. Blake says:

    Justin, if you liked the Spinal Tap interview, you need to check out the mocumentary “This is Spinal Tap” and “Best in Show.” They’re done by the same guy (Christopher Guest, who plays Nigel). They’re absolutely hilarious. Guarantee that you’ll wet yourself at least once.

  17. Pete says:

    here’s the link, it’s the 5:38 mark….


  18. minnesotagirl71 says:

    “If at first you dont succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you”. I just read this again. That’s a classic. Married almost 16 years and my hubby STILL tries his way first. After much swearing, do-overs and occasional blood he ends up doing it my way. (Insert small smile of satisfaction here.)

  19. smoboy says:

    I’ve heard that the happiest time in a man’s life is from when he accomplishes something, to the time he tells his wife what he’s accomplished.

  20. Marc says:

    If I wanted to listen to a dorky looking white guy giggle at his own jokes while high, why would I turn on the tv when I can just hang out with the people I work with at the hockey shop. No seriously, Fallon isn’t funny.

  21. Camille says:

    I have to say, I am one of those people who likes the squishy pillows… probably because i sleep on my side or my stomach, with one arm under my head, and stick the pillow between my arm and my face. if i slept on my back i can’t imagine it would be all that comfortable, but for my purposes it’s fine.
    also your caption under the “your wife called” picture was for some reason the funniest thing i’ve read today.

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