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A Brief Thought on Knuckles

 

It’s too bad you can’t up and punch people anymore.

"Hahaha, guys, did you see? I toootally rubbed our win in that guys face!"

"Hahaha, guys, did you see? I toootally rubbed our win in that guys face!"

In our society, things have changed, and largely for the better.  You can’t smoke in bars, we recycle more, and we’re more tolerant of alternative lifestyles.

But you just can’t hit a dude.  And for the most part, that’s too bad.

I can kinda see what’s happened in the NHL happening in real life.  Back when my dad and dad-to-be played in the league, there was a lot less spearing, high-sticking and mouth-running, because you couldn’t get to the “uck” part of the phrase that ends in “you” without taking your first bite of knuckle sandwich.  Guys were held accountable, so they were less likely to flap their gums just to look tough.

Now, the league protects so heavily against guys getting randomly popped, that players spend time after every other whistle getting through a lot more than just ”f*** you” (which is still a clever, intelligent thing to say), because they never have to physically back it up.

And that’s on the ice.

Off the ice, you can’t hit anyone ever.  I think you have to file paperwork at City Hall if two people agree they wanna scrap.  Here’s where I’m going with this:

This is what you get by Googling "club promoter". The law protects these guys from being hit why?

This is what you get by Googling "club promoter". The law protects these guys from being hit, why?

Why does anyone care that Braylon Edwards might have popped a “club promoter”  (Lebron Jame’s friend) at 2:30 a.m?

Club promoters are the exact type of  people that we need to taste a few flavours of knuckle on a nightly basis anyway.  A guy gets drunk at a club and punches the promoter… and we’re calling that “an alleged assault”?  Can we not devalue the phrase “assault” so much?  That’s an alleged “straightening out of the food chain”, isn’t it?

Lebron is saying that his club promoter friend is “like 130 pounds, it’d be like hitting someones little brother”.  Okay – if you’re 130 pounds, don’t run your mouth to a professional football player, right?  Just a thought.

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As my Facebook status mentioned yesterday, I’m dropping more columns than a bomb at the Parthenon today. (Still only me that thinks thats funny?  My bad).  The following are links to those pieces:

USA Today – A New Season Begins

The Hockey News – Life After Hockey

The Start of Everything Great

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Swine Flu: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure:
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Un-cured ham.

Un-cured ham.

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Ahhh Monday, October 5th – the start of everything great.

Great:   This week kicks off the start of the 2009 – 2010 NHL season, and the excitment in North America is at it’s highest level in years.  08-09 saw the league make great strides towards regaining national interest, and this season got out of the gates even quicker than the one past.  It’s year five of the channel Versus’ NHL coverage, and though they do a slightly worse job of covering it than the Detroit Lions defense does of covering anything, it’s still a positive sign that this year’s opening day game had the highest ratings they’ve ever had by a run-away. 

Welcome back NHL season, and a welcome to Bourne’s fantasy hockey dominance – my guys have 12 points already, and my goalies have an average save percentage of like  .952!  …wait… what??  I’m losing with those stats?  Someone must have created a stupid league.

Also great: The NFL season just finished it’s fourth week, and we’re finally getting into the heart of the year.  My Jets are 3-1, which, despite a Mark Sanchez implosion last game, is the type of start any team would happily accept.  Good stuff from Gang Green.

Two points, thanks.

Two points, thanks.

Also great: The NBA season starts soon.  Not that I care all that much, but I like watching Lebron dunk on fools like the league is playing on Fischer-Price hoops.  I like the phrase ”posterize” (the act of dunking so hard on someone that they become the guy getting dunked-on in the poster on the wall of a kid’s room), and I like buzzer-beaters.  But really, it’s about Lebron (and the Cavs awesome team chemistry).  He’s like Tiger Woods – he makes an otherwise barely interesting sport mandatory to watch when he’s involved. 

Also great: My lady-friend and I are moving into our first place on Thursday.  Well, the first one we’re trading our own money to stay in, anyways.  As the Phoenix residents have explained, we’ve now entered the second six-month season, simply known here as “bragging”.  88, blue and clear here today.  How’s things Alaska?  Boston?  (Sorry, I had to).

Also great: 46″ Sharp Aquos, in the box, waiting to be opened.  Next topic.

Also great: Now that I got my Negative Nancy article out of my system (the firestorm-inducing piece in the Arizona Republic), I have a bunch of positive-ish columns coming out this week.  I’ll be linking to them here, because I’m not certain I’ll have time to blog later this week with the move and all.  The article’s title will become a link the second they become available around the ‘net.

Monday: HockeyPrimetime.com – The Last Two Cents For Fleury

Tuesday: USA Today – A New Season Begins

Wednesday: The Hockey News – Life After Hockey

Whenever Botta Wants: Islanders Point Blank – Trevor Smith

Two more quick things:

One: Give HockeyPrimetime a thorough check-out in the coming weeks.  They’re focused on providing quality original content, while amalagamating some of the best hockey stuff from around the ‘net.  They have radio shows in the works, and they built this site.  Hence, I’m a fan.

Two: If I may, I’d recommend reading the pieces for USA Today and The Hockey News.  The USA Today piece is a nice, light piece on how the start of the season feels, right before the marathon season begins.  If you like the piece, please, let them know, since they took the (massive) risk in hiring me.  The Hockey News piece is an article that stands in stark contrast to the USA Today one, but is strong in it’s own, different way.  It carries a lot of my own honest emotion about leaving the game, and was theraputic to write.

I hope you enjoy them all, and most of all, enjoy this hockey season.  Islanders, for the Cup! (enjoy the money I lost on that bet, Vegas…)

The Tapas Meal of Blogs

 

Just like my high school locker used to get so jammed that I’d eventually have to do something about it (in which case I’d almost always track down a slice of mystery meat or a piece of well-aged fruit), it’s time to clean out my “to blog about files”.  I’ll keep each thought as short as possible, and promise to discard the molding orange-esque ideas I jotted down while drinking because “it seemed like a good idea at the time”.  Enjoy.

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My thoughts on the start of the new NHL season will run in the USA Today on Tuesday (and online), so hold your horses on that.  We’re talking about other stuff today (though I will say – retro-ish Flames jerseys?  Those were sick).  If you do want to read a piece of real hockey writing I’ve done, my article on the Coyotes struggles in Phoenix ran in the Arizona Republic today, and you can find that here.  (Good chance you’ll get a kick out of reader response on that gem).

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The king of overtime winners

The king of overtime winners

A kind word:  Congratualtions to Joe Sakic, the consummate professional, the sneaky scorer, and the future hall-of-famer.  Joe was my favourite player growing up (especially after Lemieux retired… Dad, you were okay too), and the guy did everything the right way.  The images of him scorching the Americans in the 2002 gold medal game are forever burned into my memory-machine (low blocker to make if 5-2 was vintage Burnaby Joe).  I hope he finds happiness after his playing days, he deserves it.

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Great Seinfeld line -  “If I’m the best man, why’s she marrying him?”

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Occasionally, I’ll leave the TV on and forget about it.  When I come back and realize the show has switched to something mind-numbing like NASCAR (see also: poker, leagues that start with W, games that end in “occer”), I panic and run to the remote to hit the nearest button, for one main reason:  I’m afraid I’m giving that show additional ratings that might make them show that “sport” more.  Please, please don’t put more of that on TV…

sidney crosby*****

Anyone else feel like Crosby winning the Cup saved us years upon years of bitter interviews, like the ones Mickelson used to give before he ever won a major?  Like, there would always be that seething undertone of “F you, I’m trying”, until he actually won?  I think winning a cup early is gonna be great for his long-term likability.

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From what I can tell, dealing with a dentist in the US is a little like dealing with a used-car salesman.  It’s so different than Canada.  Both times I’ve gone here they try to up-sell me to the point of taking swipes at my oh-so-sensitive feelings.  Before installing the crown on my front tooth: ”Do you want us to put it in crooked like your teeth are now, or why don’t we just take out your other front tooth so we can put them both in straight.  It’s only another $1200.”  Oh is that all?  Fak.  I thought they were straight.

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Every fan who actually watches football has taken their turn verbally abusing the “prevent” defense the second their team is trying to stop a last-minute drive (or “pree-vent”, as I hear so often in the US of A).  I just don’t get it.  Teams go the whole game, get in a position to win, then decide that the only part of the field they want to leave open is a 15-20 yard pass.  Oh, is that all?  Smart defensive scheme, Lebeau.  Four of those, field goal.  Yeah that prevented a lot.

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I lived in Alaska for four years, home of the conceal and carry (as in, you can legally conceal and carry a registered gun on your person.  Lord knows who’s carrying one).  Thanks to local legislation (sidebar – is it weird that John McCain is still relevant here? He’s the frickin’ Senator from this state), you’re now allowed to carry guns into bars in Arizona too.  And good thing.  How else were drunk people going to kill the people that they hate?

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Steve Shutt, on relationships:  “Women wish their man would change, and men wish their woman wouldn’t.  It’s the fundamental problem in every relationship”.  He’s been with his wife for about 50 years or so.

Thank god for polarized lenses

Thank god for polarized lenses

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Tiger Woods won the Fedex Cup, and the 10 million dollars that goes along with that, putting him over the BILLION DOLLAR MARK in career earnings (with endorsements).  Maybe he’ll spend some of it to get his teeth de-whitened.  It’s like staring at a solar flare.

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 Overtalkers, too much information people, you just aren’t welcome in my world.  People who answer un-asked questions drive me banana’s, and deserve a lecture.  Never, in any social setting, should “My sister is moving to Boise tomorrow” come out of your mouth if the person you’re saying it to DOESN’T EVEN KNOW YOU HAVE A SISTER. 

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I’ve always been an avid “Get Fuzzy” fan (newspaper cartoon), but a new one is making a push for my heart - Pearls Before Swine.  It’s really funny and dry, with the sort of jokes that end with a period and a straight face.

Pearls Before Swine

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The Phoenix Mercury are in the WNBA finals – and I recently had to change my article from saying the Coyotes have ”the star power of the WNBA” to “the star power of an indie film” because the Mercury are getting almost 10,000 people to their games in the finals.  I was shocked, til I heard the reason:  Their coach, Steve Kerr (go ahead, say it: Steve Kerr is their coach?), apparently bought SEVEN THOUSAND OF THEM  and gave them away. 

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I’m guilty of this, but it’s still a good point:  Why does saying ”having said that” void what you’ve previously said?  “Michael Vick is a criminal who’s made poor decisions, blown his money, killed countless animals and has no respect for anything – having said that, I think he’s probably a pretty good guy”.  No.  You did say that, so the last part of your sentence obviously needs a quick re-evaluation. 

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Has anyone ever said “When I first started in this business, my goal was to…” and finished it with an honest phrase?  There’s not a person on the planet who started a business to “make a pizza with all sustainable ingredients” or “to help people borrow money with comfort and trust”.  Businesses get started to make money.  “When I first started in this business, my goal was to not go tits-up in the first eight weeks”.  THAT, I believe.

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Phew.  Felt good to get all that off my chest.  Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you’re enjoying the start of the NHL season. Don’t worry, my fantasy hockey team is already on the road to greatness!

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