Fringe Sports

 

At last, the CFL season has started.  Time for some serious coverage.

Aaaaaaaahhh, just kidding!

You lucked out this time readers.  It’s one of the very few sports I can’t quite get into (see also: any league that starts in “W”).  When I do follow, I claim to be a fan of the Lions and Roughriders, which means that every year I have a 25% chance of a favourite team winning the Grey Cup (which, I believe, is slightly better than the Jets chances most years). 

The league was way better when it was a nine team league and two of them had the same name (Roughriders).  That wasn’t embarrassing at all.  Nope.  I see no problem there.

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While I’m on sports that I’m a fringe follower of, let me touch on tennis quick:

 As per a recent message I got from a reader: are we all taking the greatness of Roger Federer for granted?  It may not be the case worldwide, but I know in North America Federer isn’t held in nearly as high esteem as Tiger Woods, despite the fact that his showing at this years Wimbledon (especially the final) was simply breathtaking.

I still don’t care to watch every point of a quarter-final match against Madeup Randomguy (where I would watch Tiger Woods mini golf against his kids), but it’s probably time I at least mention the greatest tennis player of all time.  So ya…  Roger Federer - congrats on that.

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By the way, my first contribution to Hockey Primetime’s temporary site (www.hockeyprimetime.com) is up - a little analysis of who I thought gained and who lost in this years free agent flurry (aren’t you sick of the word “frenzy” after “free agent”?).  Check it out (or I’ll kill you. Seriously.)

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 Last but not least… I inverted a small bird.  Clunked ‘em with my car.

Can we please have an open discussion about that stupid game birds play, where they fly out in front of your car, at car height, from ditch to ditch, at the last second?

I’m convinced that the fly-by game is like doing drugs for birds.  I bet its such an adrenalin rush.  And you know they aren’t just trying to get to the other side.  They can fly.  Height is a non-issue.

The first bird won the game, got his fix, and scared me.  The second bird was clearly trying to impress his friends by taking a big hit (getting especially close) and didn’t even make it to the far side of my car.  A big hit, indeed.

Clunk.

Overdose.

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*Footnote: If you want your time chewed to pieces like mine, check out www.textsfromlastnight.com (heavy parental advisory on the content, it’s offensive in every way possible, and hilarious).

Les Nouveaux Habitants – Judging, Judging, Look At The Baby

www.icanhascheezburger.com -- Always hilarious.
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So, The hockey pot has continued to bubble since I last mentioned it, with the Montreal Canadiens continuing to demonstrate their endless wealth, and my beloved Islanders continuing to sign players by pointing at random pages in the phone book.

Paul Mara and Travis Moen have been added to the Canadiens line-up, I assume because Gainey felt an immediate Les Habitants backlash after signing three talented oompa-loompa’s to contracts after July first.  Never hurts to chuck a little sandpaper into the line-up.

And, all the sudden, the Habs roster looks pretty good.  Look at the new names headed there:

Mike Cammalerri, Brian Gionta, Scott Gomez, Travis Moen, Jaroslav Spacek, Paul Mara and Hal Gill -- Pretty decent twin towers to have backing up the three one-level-ranchers on forward.

I retract some (but not all) of my previous Hab-trashing.

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A quick run down of a few free agents that are still “free”:

Miroslav Satan: Well past his best-before date.  Isn’t going to be a legitimate help to any cup contending team.  What’s gonna happen is, some team that needs to make it look like they’ve made changes to get better is going to sign him to appease their fan base.  If your free agent bio on NHL.com reads “didn’t mesh with Crosby or Malkin in the Penguins line up”, go commit Hari Kari.  Kelsey Grammar on roller blades could mesh with those guys.

Mike Grier: Does anybody else feel like this guy’s played on 52 NHL teams?  I just checked, and it’s only been four.  I can’t keep track of this guy.

Brendan Shannahan: I was always super-opposed to the play-until-the-league-ushers-you-out theory, like you’re some guy on Mystery, Alaska, that the town needs to take aside and politely say “stop it” to, but for some reason it doesn’t both me with Shanny.  It fits how he’s played all these years, with that one dimensional “I’m a hockey player, so I play hockey” mentality.  Plus, he doesn’t Favre-flop, so it makes it easier to to deal with.

Mats Sundin: I hope the Rangers or Oilers sign him.  Maybe the Hurricanes.  He’s a year away from using his stick as a tripod to stay standing.

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Glad everyone seems to like the new site!  I sure do.  It’s made it super easy to add all sorts of media.  And you know what that means…

The Dramatic Chipmunk is back!

Oh, and PS:

Its still my at-bat song. Feel it. “Hopped up out the beeeeeed, turn my swag onnnn, took a look in the mirror, said what’s up”.  God it’s awful good.

A Whole New World

OMG, it’s a fancy new page.  To make it even OMGier, I’ve led things off with a video.  I’m concerned that they could become a regular feature, and you should be too.

Ha, that was kinda fun.

First, a major thanks to Hockey Primetime (www.hockeyprimetime.com) for making the new site possible.  Second, nobody wants to hear me rattle off a slew of thank you’s, so I’ll stop.  And, I’m thinking if I do end up making more video entries, I’ll do something like Jon Lajoie’s Everyday Normal Guy.  If you don’t like bad language, I’d stick to my puppy pics.

Bulldog Puppies

www.champbulldogs.com

That.  Just.  Happened.

 

 

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Todays halfway fun internet reading for the day is: www.mylifeisaverage.com.  It’s leaps and bounds better than the overrated www.fmylife.com (even though a well timed, in person ”f*** my life” makes me laugh everytime).

Seeing The Not-So-Big Picture

 

Well, it’s that time again.  Time to clear out the olllll’ random thoughts locker.  Enjoy the ride (and feel free to share your thoughts).

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It’s not okay to tack the word “fish” onto “tuna”.  We don’t do this with other meats.  Nobody says vealcow.  We don’t even do it with other fish, because when I say “trout”, your brain functions well enough to know that trout aren’t raised in coops and they don’t graze in pastures.

Tuna.  It’s a fish.  We know.

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A lot of media personel undergo a heavy dousing of makeup before they go on-screen, especially with today’s high-def TV’s.  If this is what Jack Cafferty looks like after dragging his face through a pile of cover-up, can we speculate how frightening he must be prior to his daily paint job?

(I bet his wife never gets the hiccups)

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Let’s come to a consensus on “in” versus “on” line.  I’m an avid “in” supporter, I think for obvious reasons.  There’s a line.  Then you stand in it.  You know, amoungst the people.

I would understand if it was a vertical line, in which the bottom person were next to get called, and you were physically standing on all the people, how “I’m on line” would be an acceptable sentence.  But until I can convince everyone at the bank to dogpile, let’s all run with “in”, cool?

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How do we feel about showing up to watch your record broken?

Pete Sampras showed up to Wimbledon to watch Roger Federererer win his 15th Grand Slam title, the one that put him a notch ahead in the record books.  He’s gotta be a bit rattled right?  Didn’t Hank Aaron basically say fuhgehdaboudit to showing up when Barry “GonnaNeedABail” Bonds broke his record?

I guess I’d show up.  It’s the classy thing to do, and everybody talks about how great you were for a day.  It just seems insincere, right?  These guys have to be uber-competitive to win that much in the first place, and then they show up smiling to watch their accomplishments beat.  Can you imagine Tiger Woods at 81 years old watching some kid top one of his records?  He’d wrap a hickory-shafted niblick-mashie around some young punks necks to make sure it never happened again.

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Gary Busey is f**ked.

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Has any movie seen such a slow post-release rise to glory as Super Troopers?  Is there anybody out there who likes comedy that doesn’t have it in their top few by this point?  Maybe Office Space gives it a run for the late-blooming cult love affair title, but this one continues to age like a fine wine.

Cream?.. Cream?.. Okay, no cream.

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I’m thinking about becoming a cyber hobo.  That’s all you need to know for now.

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(Warning: Anne from Champ Bulldogs has sent a file of kryptonite for the guy at F U Penguin (www.fupenguin.com).  Tomorrow I unleash these adorable little bitches on the world)

Swaggerin' Down The Highway To Hell

 

Alright, alright, I’m back in Kelowna.

Everytime I’m in New York I gain about nine pounds and take ninety minutes off my life.  Those people like the sauce.

Should we talk hockey, or me? 

Me?  If you insist.  (But then I’m gonna talk about hockey)

Major thank you to my Uncle Ken and Aunt Sue, who were a part of a weekend that went something like this:

First, the Broadway play “God of Carnage“.  James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Marcia Harden (and some other great actress) tear up the set in a not so subtle hint that “marriage is the worst thing god can inflict on a person”.  Well timed. 

Meanwhile, my bride-to-be has recently started driving at ten-and-two just so she can stare at her ring while driving.  Which is nice, because I was feeling way too safe on the NY roads when she was looking at the road.

The play was followed by a fancy-pants dinner, a hotel in the city, a Yankees game in premier seats, and a 4th of July party.  I spent about six dollars.  I suspect others spent more (thanks, um, I’m a career blogger).

The only downside?

Someone made me hold a baby.

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In other news, Alexi freakin’ Kovalev signed with the Senators, bumping a Heatley return into the “unlikely” file, right next to the Sens playoff hopes.

And, to make matters worse for the Sens, all the sudden the Leafs have a legitimate d-corps with the signing of Beauchemin and Komisarek.  I realize Brian Burke is human sandpaper thats as well liked as Billy Buckner in Boston, but come on… that’s a pretty nice back end he slapped together.

(Huh.  That kinda sounded gay.)

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One more thing:  You know what we all need to think about more?  Our hypothetical at-bat song.

You know, the one the guys pick to play as they walk up to the plate in baseball?  It’s like, the real-life equivalent of WWF (still can’t say ”WWE”) entry songs.  It’s my new obsession.

I’m pretty sure right now I’d be steppin’ up to “Turn My Swag On” by Soulja Boy, strictly because it’s the worst good song I’ve heard since the stuff ”Ma$e” used to put out.

But what are some of the Yankees thinking?  Teixera steps up to “I Wanna Rock”?  Really Mark?  That’s the best song in the last 20 years?

 

I’m convinced Hideki Matsui doesn’t know what they’re gonna play, and it’s a running gag on the team.  They all get to pick the song for one of his at-bats per week, then they vote on who embarrassed him the most.  Just a theory.

At least A-Rod has a little “Public Service Announcement” by Jay-Z.  I can dig that.

In keeping with the entry song spirit, I’ve recieved some input, and we came up with the most important tune of all.  The one I walk down the aisle to, on my way to being married.

In the lead?

Highway to Hell.

Can anyone beat that??

*PS, let the record show, Bri has a great sense of humor about the slew of past and future anti-marriage jokes.  She’s the best.

Things I Think About

 

I’ve been mulling over a little theory on the relationship between how men drink and masculinity.

I’m not talking about the standard “lifted pinky means you’re gay”, I’m talking about the part of the cup a guy chooses to drink from implies how much of a “dude” he thinks he is.

It’s all in the rotation.  Imagine a guy drinking out of a Solo cup.  The standard action is straight back over the thumb, and into the mouth.  Again, standard.  Drinking from the cup’s “six o’clock”

Since I’ve been on Long Island, I’ve noticed the real dude-dudes drinking from over around the nine o’clock, in a wrist-pointed-away-from-the-mouth motion.  And, inversely, the feminine way to drink would be between the 3 – 6 o’clock part of the cup.  Make the motion right now.

In a related story, Sean Avery was just seen at the Vogue company picnic drinking from 2:15.  Kinda weird.

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Is there, in our society, a less sincere event then the “Happy Birthday” song at a restaurant?  You know, with the claps, and the general degradation of all parties involved?  I’ve worked in restaurants, and know how little I cared. 

I can’t imagine how little the guy texting from behind the waitress during the song cares that some shmo was born on that day 29 years ago.  Can we all agree to stop this madness?  We can?  Great.

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Good news.  I’m starting a non-specific sports team so hesitant players can be happy. We’ll have an unlimited budget to pay them ludicrous sums, and all we’ll do is put the players through rigorous spa days, while giving them tons of press conferences so they can be rich and happy, but also still famous. 

Please welcome your SomeWhereWarm Flip-Floppers!

Dany Heatley

Brett Favre  (C)

Michael Jordan  (A)

Peter Forsberg

Mats Sundin

Substitutes:

Stephon Marbury

Eminem

Floyd Mayweather Jr.

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Personal opinion:  Tiger Woods is the biggest name is sports.  Bigger than A-Rod, or Crosby, and only challenged by Lebron.

He does a two-part interview with Michael Wilbon, and listening to it, I feel like I’ve never heard him speak before.  He’s so mysterious and intense, we don’t learn much from him in post (or pre) golf discussions.

This guy is just at such a stupid level of talent its unfair (one stroke back right now).  So yeah, this was my blurb to declare him the biggest name in sports.

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Enjoy your weekend!

Free Agency Breakdown

 

The NHL deck took a major shuffling yesterday.

First off, props to Van City for getting Hank and Danny-Boy under contract for another five years each, at an appropriate six million a year.  These two shape-shifting amorphous talented twins are in the prime of their careers.

Let’s be honest, when they came into the league, these guys were begging to be laughing stocks.  The look different from everyone but each other, and are the only package deal that lasted beyond elementary school.  But they’ve been studs for the Canucks. 

By signing them, you’ve guaranteed yourself at least one A-level line, while taking care of a powerplay unit.  I like this move a lot, but I’m gonna have to see something else out of Gillis – the West looks vicious next year.

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The Capitals were probably three puzzle pieces short of being the Cup favourite.  Make that two.

The signing of Mike Knuble (at a fair price) locks down a big, physical winger that can provide Ovechkin, Semin and Backstrom with some nice secondary scoring.  The guy has seven straight 20 goal seasons, with a few over thirty.  Anytime you can add that level of productivity for $2.8M, it’s an obvious yes (plus, I like the short contract for an older guy).

If they can track down a goalie and a real defenceman, I’d be the first to start hinting at a Capitals-Blackhawks final next year, with final game scores like 14-7, 10-3, and 11-8.

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Also in my top few fave signings is the Florida Panthers re-signing 24 year old David Booth.  Two seasons ago, he put up 20 gino’s on a bad team.  Last year, he passed 30, while also leading the team with 246 shots.

The best part for Panthers fans, is that they managed to get him for six years, with the best years of his career ahead.  The bad part for hockey fans, is that we won’t get to see Booth in the playoffs until he’s 30.

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Okay, the Benedict Hossa deal.

Not quite in my top faves.  Originally, I really hated the deal, but I think I’m coming around on it.

Here’s the key information:

Chicago pays Marion $7.9 million over the first seven years, which is the part I don’t like.  That’s over-paying, and to commit that coin when you have to sit across the negotiating table from Kane and Toews next year is inexcusable.

The rest of the deal, however, is a good way to structure a long term deal.  He gets $4 mill in the 8th year, and only $1 mill in years 9 and 10. 

11 and 12?  $750,000. 

Basically, he’s going to retire after year 8, because he won’t want to play for a fraction of what he’s been earning, especially while his body hurts more and his off-ice effort level will have to be even higher to keep up with the kids.

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Komisarek to Toronto

What a great backbone for the Leafs to pick-up.  Komisarek is a guy that every team needs.  He’s an obvious signing for Burke, because he’ll step up when challenged, but he can play hockey too. 

He’ll punish opposing forwards, get the puck outta the zone, kill penalties, and absorb Lucic’s fists.  Aw, I’m just kidding Komo, you answered the bell.  Nice work.

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Gaborik to the Rangers

Nice!  I hope Mary-Anne can stay healthy for the blue-shirts, cause he’s a thrill-a-game guy. 

They’ve managed to dump Gomez (a great guy, but it was a necessary move) and grab Higgins.  Then they inked a Gomez replacement in Gaborik - a powerplay guy that can bring the puck up the ice, create offense, and get fans out of their seats.

Plus, I’m looking forward to Tortarella benching him in week two, for just that right amount of NY drama.

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Cammalleri, Gionta to Montreal

Nice pick-ups for the Habs, sure.  And yes, they’re gonna be a totally different team next year.  I’m just not sure its going to be in a good way.

Does Gainey have an unlimited budget?  Who can afford to commit five million a year to Brian Gionta, a guy who played 81 games last year as a 30 year old and scored 20 goals?  At 5′7″, he needs to contribute offensively.  And, most likely, his numbers aren’t heading up; if anything his goals per year are gonna start looking more like 19, 17, 16 and so on.

Seems like an expensive secondary guy.

As for Cammalleri, I thought he was one of the real big fish someone could land on Canada Day.  Granted, he played with Iginla last year en route to 39 goals, but he has a huge upside.

It takes a certain level of talent to succeed skating beside the elites in the league, and this guy can clearly do it.  You can’t put Taylor Pyatt with Crosby and have it click.  Cammalleri will play with the best players on whatever team he’s on, and skating beside Gomez?  He’ll match his goal total from Calgary.

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Havlat to Minnesota

Selfishly, this deal has me bummed.  I love watching Havlat’s dangles, and I can’t think of a team I see play less than Minnesota.  He may as well have signed in the KHL.  Plus, the west is just too deep for Minnesota to matter next year.

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Lastly, a friend I played against in college, Alex Goligoski, re-signed with the Penguins for three years.  He’s relatively under the radar so far, but the guy can be a difference maker.  I guarantee that before he signs another contract, you’ll know his name.

 

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