Two Great Comments

 

Before you read today’s NHL assessment, let me divert your attention with the two “comments of the day”:

JD : “Okay, ever since you mentioned that you were trying to define the Sedins looks I can’t stop associating them with the “Bananas in Pajamas”. For some reason it just seems like you can talk yourself into the Sedins morphing into those guys somehow.”

Look how bang on this is:

And in second:

Officer Koharski: “Olli Jokinen’s head looks like a skull. A gigantic baby skull.”

Right?  I also think he gets the vote for “person’s head/face I could most likely draw”.  It’s like it’s on your first playstation, before the graphics got really good but they sort of tried to make guys face look accurate, but something about it just lacked detail.  Just a thought.

NHL Playoffs – April 16th

 

(4) Chicago vs. (5) Calgary

Game one between these teams was more pivotal than any other series, easily (honorable mention to Canucks/Blues).  I mean pivotal like Peter’s decision to go to the hypnotherapist in Office Space.

The Flames, a team on the decline, badly needed that to right the ship.  Nothing like being up 2-1 with five minutes left and choking to blow a major hole in the hull.

The Hawks, a young team, needed that too.  As a player, when you get off to a good start, it’s just so much easier to keep the ball rolling than it is to start it up.  Dangly guys like Havlat and Toews don’t have to second guess themselves now; if they fall down a few games in this series, they start thinking “boy, I guess I need to change the way I ____”.  This little bit of confidence was huge for them.

And by the way, does Olli Jokinen drink like, 80 cups of coffee prior to everything he’s ever done ever?  He looks shocked every time I’ve ever seen him.  Maybe he’s still in awe that an NHL team committed over 20 million to an 11 year NHL vet with zero games playoff experience.

(2) Detroit vs. Columbus

Hey, I can’t watch ‘em all.

Despite my fellow contributors article on The Hockey News site about Columbus being perfectly tooled for an upset, let me respectfully say this:  The foregone conclusion that is this series started as planned, 4-1 Wings.  Babcock is the best coach in the NHL.

(1) San Jose vs. (8) Anaheim

Interesting… very interesting.

I’m wondering, if the Sharks were to manage to puke in another three games like they did tonight (and they did puke… 137 goals at home this year, and not one on a goalie who’s name I’d literally have to google to print here), is it possible for an organization to get a complex?

I mean really, with the point totals they’ve had in past years (90+ five straight years, 100+ in four of those) and their struggles in playoffs, wouldn’t it be impossible to enjoy next season as a fan of theirs?  Every game they won, their entire fan base and every sports pundit would be going, “well sure, but… ”

(1) Bruins vs. (8) Montreal

Since this game went exactly how it would have played out had we let a Playstation run a “what-to-expect” simulation, let me use it as a forum to discuss this:

How. Goddamn. Hard.  Are guys shooting the puck now?  Kovalev shot a puck that Al MacInnis watched from home and went “whoa”.  Then Chara decided to swing his stick that was probably ordered triple-stiff but flexes like an intermediate shaft because it’s eight feet long, and shot a puck so hard a modern day goalie thought “I’m not sure if I’m wearing enough gear to justify standing in front of that”.

Even Getzlaf in the Anaheim game drove the nail in the Sharks coffin with a snapshot from the top of the circles that came out of the net quicker than a roadrunner on blow.  Goalies must love that we keep making their gear smaller, which, by the way, I’m in favour of.  But I’ll save that rant for another soapbox.  Guess I’ll need something to write about in the off-season.

Tonight in the NHL

 

Live Blog, (3) Canucks V. Blues:

9:43: What a great sign for the Nucks.  They only scored twice, but they owned the puck.  I was very rarely defensively nervous.  Luongo’s an absolute stud in net.  Not much for the Blues to build on!  Great start for Canada’s best hope!

9:25: I’m a little nervous that the Canucks have so heavily outplayed the Blues, but are only up one.  I’d be downright scared if Luongo wasn’t in net.  They need to capitalize on this PP like I need Orville Redenbacher in my life right now.  Homp.

9:20: Jim Hughson does a nice job.  Able to decifer set from broken plays, quickly recognize players and is able to be a good non-bias commentator.  Even has a unique voice… a well qualified Neale/Cole successor.

9:14: From the obscure musings file: Do you think the combined colours of the two teams jerseys affects your enjoyment of a series?  I’m finding this sea of blue and green a little more soothing to watch than some Carolina/Devils eye-burner.

9:00: Isn’t it funny how “boys” became acceptable slang for your buddies, especially in hockey?  It’s such a derogatory term out of context:  “He likes boys”.

8:55: I’d win a referee slapping contest.  I’d love to watch to these teams play 5 on 5 for a hot minute.

8:45: Great goaltending all game, and even on that play you can’t fault Luongo.  The Blues have looked unsure of themselves, so hopefully making it 2-1 wasn’t too inspiring.

8:31: For years I’ve been telling people “The Transporter” was one of the worst movies of all-time.  Little did I know, Jason Statham would make it his career goal to repeatedly prove me wrong.  His latest, Crank, looks like he could set a personal best in embarrassing scenes.

8:24: For years I’ve been plagued with the “How is Mats Sundin successful in a fast league while skating like a bull moose on rollerblades” question.  I’ve made no progress.

8:20:  Damn.  Nice shot.  Don’t you love when goalies make that #%?$ air punch with their blocker when they get scored on?  Makes you feel like they really care. 

8:17: When the 16 year old girl making my pita today can recite the “best record in the second half” mantra everyone has been chanting on St. Louis’s behalf, it’s officially been overdone.  They’ve done well.  Got it.

7:50, after the first: This is gonna be a good series.  Lots of young guns with lots of pop.  PS – Did anybody not enjoy hearing what wasn’t meant to be caught on audio for viewers at home as the period ended?  The NHL should be covered by HBO, they should put mic’s everywhere, and let everyone appreciate the best part of the game.

 7:39: Early turning point, where most of the league goes down 1-0.  Down 5 on 3, Luongo makes a toe save that’s impossible if you aren’t the world’s tallest Italian.  Huge kill.

7:32 I’ve seen the “extra attacker” thing attempted one billion, six hundred and four million times on the delayed penalty, and never seen it work.  Nice timing for the ‘nucks for that to work out.  Great off hand one-timer/re-direction thing from Daniel Sedin, the world’s largest moving garden gnome.

7:25 Luongo provides a nice sense of serenity for the Canucks fan.   I was never quite as confident in _________ (insert any previous goaltender in Canucks history, including Kirk Mclean).

7:12: I could kiss everyone in Vancouver for singing the anthem.  That’s so amazing.

7:11:  Updates as it happens!  So pumped for this one!

*****

Night one, the rest of Stanley Cup Playoffs:

(2) Capitals v. (7) Rangers

I’m not sure there’s a team in the league more fun to watch than Washington.  Ovi does for them what Lebron does for the Cavs (comparably uninteresting teams prior to their stars arrival as well).

So, the Caps made me look like an ass right off the hop… thanks.  Theodore made everyone (sort of including me?) look smart who said he had the chance to puke games away for them.  I’m stickin’ with the Caps, but I’m secretly hoping something that something happens like that Van Damme movie “Sudden Death”, where some non-hockey playing rando has some reason to take over the job between the pipes. 

Shots?   Rangers: 21.  Capitals: 35.  Ovechkin: 13  – Absolutely ludicrous.

(4) Penguins v. (5) Philly

Widely described as the closest series to call, game one of this war was embarrassing for the Flyers.  Fleury looked at ease, and players like Guerin, Malkin and Crosby were able to play as if Philly was unawre that the Pens had any marquee names to key on.

Great start for Pittsburgh, the type of win that makes Philly question themselves, each other, and the goalie.  With a goal and an assist for Sid, I’m guessing he’s not planning on grooming that fur on his face anytime soon.

(3) Devil v. (6) Canes

No idea.  Didn’t watch it.  Call me when it’s time for one of these teams to upset a team that I care about so I can continue hating them.  Apparently New Jersey won.

In a related story, there aren’t any related stories about two of the NHL’s least likable franchises.

Let The Games Begin!

 

What a breakthrough for hockey fans – I have internet in front of my television.  Live blogs are now possible.  Not that I’m claiming I’m going to be able to up your fun-factor, but my own has just doubled.

Initial playoff thoughts:

My friend and fan of the show (er, blog), Neil Corbett, is at GM place tonight for game-one-round-one action.  I’m jealous, there’s really not much better than that on the buzz-scale.  You can’t quite get a feel for games through TV. 

Televised games give us commentator insight, stats, and updates from other games, but the one thing it can’t accurately portray is momentum.  For some reason being at games gives you such a clear picture of which way the ice is sloping.

On the other hand, it’s great to be on my couch.  The single biggest perk TV provides is replays.  Things happen in a flash at games that, when shown in replay, were actual monumental happenings.  Either way, playoffs are underway, and there’s no bad way to watch it.

*****

Next: Those highlight packages… I’m such a sucker for those packages.  Just like the Masters before it, when CBC strings together three minutes worth of clips to some epic tune (unlike the mid-season Nickelback selections), I get shivers.  I inevitably see my Dad somewhere in there too, so that’s neat.

*****

I found a rare advantage to living on the west coast for sports viewing, and it’s these initial playoff rounds.  You can start watching games at four (which moves up the acceptable-to-be-drinking-at time), and watch right through til almost 10p.m.  Games start at 10 on the east coast, and that’s not cool.  They win during football season (games at one, four and seven are much better than 10a.m., one and four like we get here), but we clearly win during hockey season.  Fitting, really.

*****

So far I’ve watched one period of Pittsburgh/Philly and it looks like Pittsburgh is playing in fast-forward.  Crosby scored a cheesy goal, but guys who play knows what that means to you, especially a guy with pressure to perform like Sid.  Any goal, as cheesy as it may be, frees him up to take some chances, add to his total, and not squeeze the stick too tight.  That lucky goal was big for the Pens, who had a great first period.

My only major beef with the Pens:  What the f#%? is with Sidney Crosby’s “mustache”?  I mean, he knows it’s awful, right?  And he plans on being in playoffs for a long time, right?  So why did he start the damn thing three weeks ago?  He looks like a catfish.

*****

Oh, and something I didn’t do in my playoff prediction blog that I should probably do.  Take a risk.  I didn’t predict a Stanley Cup Champion.  So, come the 2010 season, who’s gonna be the defending champs?

.

….

……..The

Crazy, right?

I just feel like they’re the embodiment of the new NHL, with a deadly powerplay and an excess of talent.  There’s just something about the energy of that group.  Sadly, Theodore has the power to single-handedly ruin a nasty-good team with his “make-yourself-small” theory of goaltending.  Only time will tell. 

So, let’s send it back upstairs to you, Jim.

Note: My latest THN blog is up, check it out at: http://thehockeynews.com/articles/25371-Justin-Bournes-Blog-All-praise-the-early-rounds.html

Round. Freaking. One.

 

Isles got the first pick!  Isles got the first pick!  John Tavares: welcome aboard, son.  On with the post-season preview:

__________________________________________________

‘Twas the night before playoffs, and all across the league, the analysts vote Flames, despite young Kris Versteeg…

*Predictions in bold

(4) Chicago vs. (5) Calgary

Really only addressing this series first because “Versteeg” rhymed with “league”.

You know when you start filtering things through your own bias, how you can convince yourself there’s no way you’re wrong?  This is what happens when I make sports predictions.  The second I decided the Chicago Blackhawks were going to win this series, it became painfully obvious.  Here’s why:

Teams, like relationships, are either getting better, or worse.  Whether it be chemistry, luck, or just some subtle change, like adding vinegar to baking soda, a switch gets flipped.  The Flames are in disarray.  Phaneuf is still googling a funny comeback to Avery’s comment, Rene Bourque will still be carrying the mandatory post-injury piano, and I’m still mad at the Flames for letting Tampa Bay win a Stanley Cup – thanks for that.

Anyways, the Blackhawks are getting better.  They have young studs who’ll be near impossible to wear down, solid goaltending, and d-men that are capable of making solid, quick first passes out of the d-zone, which gives them a quick transition game.  The Flames are making their way back from injuries, but it always takes a few games to get the rust off.  Flames, extinguished.

(1) Bruins vs. (75th) Habs

Okay, they finished eighth. 

I’m jacked for this series.  Expect it to look how playoffs are meant to be played, that pace that, even as a player watching the start of the game from the bench you go “wow, there’s no way the pace can stay this high”.  The Boston Bruins played 82 games this year, and sport a loss column that reads 19.  Les Habitants will give ‘em a good push, but the B’s aren’t going to get beaten 4 times in the next seven, as awesome as the fans in the Bell Centre are.

(1) Sharks vs. (8) Ducks

The NHL only puts just over half of their teams in the playoffs, 16.  This means that these are all above average teams.  When you account for injuries and other circumstances, a teams final record is probably plus or minus five for a margin of error, in terms of describing how good a team they really are.  I think the Ducks are better than their record shows, but they aren’t good enough to take four from the San Jose Sharks (loses? 18.).

The Sharks are frickin dynamite, but it still periodically befuddles me that a teal team from San Jose, California is a legit cup threat… I guess they are.

(2) Washington Capitals vs. (7) New York Rangers

Anyone who saw the sea of red in DC last year knows they aren’t going to lose to the Rangers.  The Washington Capitals are cup contenders, a team that had a good playoff experience last year, a load of firepower, and too much going for them to worry about the ever dysfunctional Rangers.

I’d be suprised if the Caps did anything but walk into MSG, dispose of the Rangers, and wait for round two.  Maybe Theodore isn’t a premier goalie these days, but New York is basically a team with only one line to shut down – a good line, sure, but if you had to take a first line off one of these playoff teams to start a team with, any chance you’d wanna start it with names like Avery and Zherdev?

(2) Red Wings vs. (7) Blue Jackets

What’s going to be frustrating for the pesky Blue Jackets, is figuring out that you can spend a whole year trying to eek into playoffs, and a team like the perennial contending Detroit Red Wings can swat you in under a week.

It’s so hard to just make playoffs, and the teams that grind for so long to make the cut often lack the foresight that teams that made the playoffs in January have.  The Blue Jackets will not survive their encounter in Hockeytown.

(3) New Jersey Devils vs. (6) Carolina Hurricanes

This series is on my “do not watch list”, simply because the other options are so tantilizing, and the Hurricanes continually have okay talent in a non-hockey town with mediocre jerseys and do well.  Stop it.

Oh, and the New Jersey Devils have… let me check my notes… Martan Brodure?  Cam Ward is no slouch, to be sure, but I’m ready for the Stall brothers to form a baseball team and go away or something, God I’m sick of them.  Why doesn’t somebody like Ovi have a plethora of brothers, even Okposo, just someone with some flair?

(3) Vancouver Canucks vs. (6) St. Louis Blues

First off, let me boldify Vancouver Canucks before everyone in B.C. boycotts my blog.

I think it was a tough break for Van to end up with the Blues, teams don’t end up with crazy good records in the second half by chance, so clearly, they’ve found something that makes them click.

The good news for the Canuckleheads, is that they’ve been hotter than Marisa Miller down the stretch themselves.  Okay, that was hyperbole; they’ve been hot. (why do I know that’s the only comment Bri will bring up from this whole bit?)

In the end, good goaltending - as the cliche goes - wins championships, and the Canucks have the leagues best.  I expect the dangerous (and sexually questionable) Sedins to have some of the pressure taken off them by the Sundin line, a line that won’t be facing the Blues top defensive pair.  They should be able capitalize on that, and hopefully give the Canucks a little boost.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers

How long can the Flyers be an elite team without being the leagues best?  They’ve been in playoffs seemingly every year, and never as the last seed.  They’re always good, a major threat from the Eastern Conference… but never good enough.

Briere is one the most dangerous forwards in the league.  He can do a scary amount of smart, quick, creative things, and man can he finish.  If you put Luongo (hell, even Fleury) on Philly how scary would they be?

Crosby is an elite kid that takes a beating, and say what you want about his crying, he takes it to the hoop the next shift, and the next shift, and the next shift…  Then they have the leagues leading scorer, a goalie primed to come into his own, and a new found leader in Bill Guerin, a guy you want to play for.  I’m praying we get to see Pitt and Washington, Boston -  New Jersey… there’s some classics to come.  The Pittsburgh Penguins will prevail in a series that’ll go at least six.

 

So that’s that hockey fans!  My dumb two cents on the weeks to come.  I realize I didn’t exactly roll the dice on too many of those, but those are my thoughts, take ‘em or leave ‘em.  I just wrote my next THN piece about why the first round is the best – because bluntly, it is.  I’ll post that link when they post the bit.  Enjoy the playoffs, no dinner-at-the-table for weeks yaaayyyyy!

Oh what could have been.

What could have been.

I can’t even bring myself to do a write up on Sunday at The Masters.  The second Tiger and Phil stepped off the course, everyones whocaresometer plummeted.  Congrats to Angel Cabrera, the best of players who played well enough all week to be in such a glorious position.

Maturday at the Sasters

 

If only Tiger played as well as he dressed.

The white blue-striped shirt with grey slacks was the best outfit of the week, but wasn’t enough to stop him from slashing the first hole like the Psycho shower scene for a double bogey.  Nice to know he can still shoot four under on the last seventeen holes on a bad day.

A few more notes from moving day:

Anthony Kim is a likable guy.  He plays aggresive, interviews well, and has the game to be a champ in no time.  He’s climbing my favourite player list quick.

Kenny “I kissed a girl, and I liked it” Perry, on the other hand, is considerably less likable.  His interviews keep walking the knife’s edge of being cocky, without actually getting there.  About Chad Campbell: “He’s a great guy, we get along well.  Actually, he reminds me a lot of myself”.  I’m not sure if that’s cocky or not, but he’s been in the grey zone enough for me to root against him.  Oh, and his swing is balls.

In fact, with him and Campbell near the top of the leaderboard, I’m afraid to watch for fear of my brain remembering one of those swing moves.  Although, it seems they’ve been fairly effective.  Jim Furyk is in the hunt too; he’s not exactly the picture of grace either.

So, here’s to hoping for fireworks tomorrow.  The last thing anybody wants is a Cabrerra-Perry-Campbell finish.  I hope it hails or something, we need those guys to take a step back for the Tiger-Phil-Kim fun guys to have a hope.

I mentioned the leader would be at 10 under heading into tomorrow, and it’s -11.  The big guns have some work to do in the morning.  Will tomorrow be epic, or will a first time champion be fitted for the thrift shop coat?  I’ll meet you back here for reviews… and maybe a mention that hockey still exists.  Get in the hole!!

Friday at The Masters

 

Before I launch into today’s golf coverage, I just want to make quick mention about another big sports day coming up: April 14th. 

NHL draft lottery day, where enduring a season of misery has earned the Islanders the scant 48% chance of securing John Tavares.  Apparently Hedman’s no slouch, but that organization can hardly afford anything less than the best.  After all, how else will Kansas City win the cup in 2012?  (Cool it Isles fans, I’m just playin’, I’m just playin’…)

And as mentioned in yesterday’s comments, that Bruin’s/Canadiens game yesterday was dynamite.  Bill Simmons, the sports writer who broke up with the Bruins years ago citing lockout related differences, has vowed to take them back for playoffs.  I think he’ll like his new girlfriend.

Friday at the Masters:

1.  Danny Lee, the 18 year old Japa Chi Kor Asian kid that was making his Masters debut, had this to say in his pre-tournament press conference: “The first time I played the course, I didn’t understand why so many players struggled here.  It’s an easy course”.  I’m glad that as Colin Montgomery limps into the sunset of his career, I have a new player to hate on the horizon.  Lee was 11 over par after two days, only 20 shots back.  Musta got some tough bounces.

2.  Serious Leaderboard assessment:

Saturday is “moving day” in golf, where the stage gets set for Sunday, and anyone who plans on contending to win better make their move up the board.  Maybe the biggest name aren’t on the top of the board, but they’ve all got a foot on the bottom rung of the ladder.  Woods (-2), Mickelson (-3) and Garcia (-4) are poised with a host of other big names to fire at some flags and make their move.

The scary thing for those guys, is that it’s not just one player up there around nine under, it’s a handful.  Somebody is going to continue to play well, so players can’t count on somebody faltering, like Woods needed O’Hair to do last week.  At 48, Kenny Perry is a legitimate threat to win, far more dangerous that some of the other names near the top.

If none of the other top guns get hot tomorrow, Jim Furyk and Anthony Kim are a couple names not likely to move the wrong way down the board.  I almost mentioned before the tournament that Kim is a guy who needs to play poorly to not contend.  His B-game is better than most players A.  He made 11 birdies yesterday, a Masters course record, en route to shooting the low round of the day, 65.

I was right yesterday in guessing minus nine would lead heading into the weekend.  I think it’ll be 10 under heading into Sunday, meaning that dangerous group at two under will need to shoot around 67 to get into the mix for Sunday.

Bad weather is the best thing that could happen to Tiger’s chances.  He can deal with it, others can’t.

3.  Less serious assessment:

Phil has made headway into de-stuffing his shirts, but something still doesn’t look right.  The guy is definitely thin enough now to where I shouldn’t be seeing nipple.  Maybe his under-shirt issues go beyond a once-evident brownie batter fetish.

Tiger rocked the baby-blue on black today, and looked better.  I think everyday these guys dress they should picture a highlight being shown in 15 years and avoid anything that would make the kids in 2024 go “really?”.  Because, Tom Kite’s glasses, really? 

Apparently, straight from the course to racquetball.

I’ve got a few more tidbits on today’s play, but I’m back in Kelowna, and my brother is apparently making seafood wraps and caesar salad.  This, I gotta see.

Everyone enjoy your weekend, and remember the coverage switches to CBS, and gets even better tomorrow.  See ya then.

Thursday at The Masters

 

The Masters came roaring out of the gates with one of the best hokey montages ever.  And just like Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday, I was at peak intensity by the end (by peak intensity, I mean slumped on the couch with one slipper on).  Whatever, I love them.

The first one ended with a close up of a bee on a flower, falling over backwards and pumping his wings to no avail.  What kind of camera’s are these guys using?  Are the filmmakers of Planet Earth covering The Masters?  Do they dye that grass green?

I defy you to name me one single thing better to couch-nap to than golf in HD.  It’s tough to stay conscious as an avid fan.  I swear to God if Morgan Freeman or David Attenborough were commentators we could cure insomnia. 

Plus, I liked one other thing:  They played golf.

Thoughts:

1. Canadian boy and defending champ Mike Weir shot an opening day 68 (-4).  TV ratings in Canada just tripled.

2.  A huge reason to watch The Masters:  Their commitment to their viewers.  They guarantee 56 minutes out of every hour to be golf coverage.  A mere four minutes of advertising an hour.  Do you have any idea what the ratio is on other programs?  American idol is actually eight minutes long.  This might be one of the greatest hidden secrets of this tournament.

3.  Good weather always gives lessers underdogs a chance to contend.  It could rain ninja’s and Tiger would still break par, but the second it’s a happy spring day, Average Andy, No-chance Nick and Chad Campbell have the chance to win a major.

4.  Watching Chad Campbell eat that course for breakfast for 16 holes was incredible, because it never looked like he played a tough hole.  There’s always that hole that they cut to with a scoring average of 11.46, but for some reason Campbell never seemed to have to play it; it just looked easy (you know, easy like making nine birdies in 15 holes is at a major).

-PS, he’s in the running for “Person’s head I could most likely roll a strike with”-

But man, did Campbell (and Mahan) get eaten alive by 17 and 18, not because they’re super tough holes, but because Masters pressure is some ever-present, eerie force that steals dreams. 

Also, Chad Campbell is about as fun as porridge, and there should be some rule about penalty strokes for bad interviews.

5.  Attire: Okay, I get it.  Young guys on the tour are wearing crazy pants now (“look, it’s golf – with an attitude!”).  But Zach Johnson wearing the neon red pants?  I appreciate the effort from the guy, who generally makes Campbell look like a firecracker, but lets use a little discretion, it’s the classiest tournament of the year.

And, excuse the language, but here’s what my day one diary reads, verbatim, on Aaron Baddely:

Baddely – Nice hair, fuck.  Really emo bud.

I’m probably going to comment daily on Tigers digs too, because the concept of a company dressing someone boggles me.  Didn’t care for the purple striped-blue sleeved-black shirt Nike selected for Le Tigre on Thursday.  However, I will say his biceps are getting increasingly mammoth, toned and intimidating.  No homo.

6.  Tiger doesn’t compound errors like other players.  For example, he hits his drive in the pine straw on the back nine, whenever it was, and procedes to hit a low hook off a mountain of horse hay to 10 feet.  Kinda lets you take some risks when you’ve got that in your bag.

7. I’m bummed that Phil and Sergio are +1.  Not that I want them to win, but for drama sake, you want all the main cast members in the final scene.  Furyk is a legit threat though.  Don’t be suprised to see him hanging around with late weekend tee times.

8.  The course got shredded.  Most rounds below par (37) in an opening round since ’92 (35), when the course was hundreds of yards shorter with wider fairways.

9.  Sadly, “get-in-the-hole!”-guy managed to make it to this years Masters, an event that is usually spared this low-brow frat-boy Coors-Light induced buffoonery.  Thank goodness Faldo set him straight.  “Oh please, not at Augusta”.  So eloquent.

I really wanted to do a live blog thingy, but I don’t have wireless near the good TV set-up, so for now, this will be the type of coverage to expect.  What else to expect?  Expect a -3 under 69 from the always lurking Woods, while a number of one-day-wonders pack their balls up and vanish from site.  The leader will be around nine under heading into the weekend, well within striking distance of the greatest pressure player of all-time.

Last note:  Don’t worry hockey fans, The Masters ends the same day the NHL regular season does, and this will be a full on playoffs blog.  Round predictions to follow.  Early forecast – Isles in six… years?

The Masters: Par Three Tournament

 

First things first – boo to all you “golf fans” who let me say that Nick Price is the next Johnny Miller.  I meant Nick Faldo.  Regardless, we still do have Johnny, so we can revel in him at his commentating peak, right when Tiger and Phil are in primes of their own.  This is good stuff folks.

So day one coverage: The Masters par three tournament, a warm-up the day before the big event, the day the kids play caddie, and the day that actual golf fans try to sever their optical nerve with with a sand wedge because it hurts less than watching.

It’s just so corny.  One of the many reasons The Masters is so great are those corny montages that show pink flowers and play classical piano, but only because it’s a nice breather from the suffocating pressure of the golf.

Guys describe it as “respite before the storm” and enjoy that they get to ”see guys have fun” – commentators glorify it so much gay pride marchers would find them flamboyant.  It’s a love-fest, a deep-breath before the exhale.  It’s weak.

Guys have their kids caddy for them, and by caddy, I mean ramble along in cute little white caddy outfits while the nation collectively sighs “awww…”.  It’s sickening.

–Hahaha so cute, look, its – No. stop it, I hate kids.–

Regardless, it’s at Augusta, and I’d rub my face on that grass if they’d let me within rubbing range.  So here’s a couple observations from it:

*Nobody has ever won the par three tournament and then won The Masters, so guys consider it a jinx.  Players report intentionally hitting balls into the water to avoid winning it.  I wonder if any of those idiots ever succeeded in the big tournament.  I can’t exactly see Tiger hoseling a shot into a pond for superstitious purposes.  Maybe just be better at golf guys, I dunno.

*Fred Couples is playin’ well.  Boom-Boom of the bad-back has made a resurgence this year, no doubt thanks to technologies introduced in the physiotherapy world, like muscle relaxers and pain killers.  He’s 49 and been in contention on two Sundays this PGA season alone, and was one shot back of winning the nine hole tourny before I puked in my mouth from footage of cute kids turned it off cause I was tired.

*And last, I didn’t know the players picked their playing partners.  This enables Jack Nicklaus, Arnie Palmer and Gary Player to play in the same group, combining for about 220 years, nine billion wins and six grand in total earnings, because they played in the 50′s through 80′s. 

Okay, maybe a little more.

On the ninth hole, Gary Player hit one in the water, re-teed, and jammed it in the hole for a fancy-pants three.  He then proceeded to pound (knuckles) Arnold Palmer.  Really, 80-year-old-white-guys?  Black folks, it’s officially over.  Today, I proclaim the pound dead to non-golfers (us golfers still need it to avoid the awkward “great shot!” moments). 

Okay!  Tomorrow, one o’clock west coast time, four on the east, the real fun begins.  Details to come.

(PS – If you have time and haven’t read my take on socially awkward greetings, you can check it out at: http://jtbourne.wordpress.com/2009/02/10/not-much-good/)

Some House-Cleaning

Bourne’s Blogers:

For a guy who’s only common complaint from friends is an excess of content, I fear for my readers in the near future.

My current life is a bit frazzled.  I’m heading home to Kelowna to help Dad with the bookings and marketing of his Legends camp, and sadly, will be attending my Grandmothers funeral.  Sweetest lady ever.

On a brighter note, I’m still being asked to put out steady amounts of work for other sites.  That keeps me plenty busy, so combining that with finishing my last class towards my degree by April 21st, and my little journal of notes has become full of more crap than an outhouse.  Let’s have a few stupid comments before I start with The Masters and Playoffs (did I mention those were coming up?).

But first: I’m in the Seattle airport, a lob wedge away from the spot I spent 40 plus hours just days before Christmas.  Jaw wired shut, bringing my girlfriend home for her first Christmas with the family, I forgot my passport like a 12 year old.  She had to go on to Kelowna while I waited for my passport.  It got sent out within hours… just in time for the airport to close due to weather.  I drank Odwalla smoothies and pain medicine, and tried to figure out how high a jetway would have to be for me to jump off and die, instead of just wounding me further.  Sadly, nothing met the minimum requirements.

***

Everyone likes a good burger to bun ratio right?  I was looking at buying those mini potato buns and making my patties the size of frisbees, until I stumbled into the bunless burgers at TGI Fridays.  Now that’s a ratio.  What they’ve done, is taken the bun out of the equation.  It’s very complicated.  Somebody notify the people who award the Nobel Prize for Meat Ratios, these guys accomplished a solid 1:0.  They still give out that award, right?

***

Nick Price is the next Johnny Miller.  Lately I’ve been concerned at the age of my favourite sportscasters (mostly because they’ve been collecting social security since it’s inception). 

I mean, if we lose Madden (heart attack), Bob Cole and Harry Neale (sadness at the Leafs perpetually high suck-factor), Dick Vitale (heart attack), and Johnny Miller (jealousy, when he realizes we’ll never think he was in Jack Nicklaus’s class), who do we have left?  Absolutely nobody in hockey (Pierre McGuire can puck himself).  But don’t fear golf fans.  Nick Price thinks everyone sucks too, and with the accent, it sounds classy.  Throw another shrimp on the barbe, Nick.

***

A couple times I’ve written things in my journal after an extra drink or two, and the next day, I can never quite figure out what I meant to say.  Help?

Seth Rogen movie machine (I assume I had a negative take?) — Fred Couples crush (ummm….) — Hate the Devils — No Mo Plaxico — Ron Dugay (what the….) — Pepper salad (….I guesss… so…).

***

Daily Show correspondents.  No show is churning out pop culture stars like this show, not even SNL.  Okay, maybe SNL.  But these guys get like a one minute skit and blow up.  Steve Carrel.  Steven Colbert.  Rob Corddry.  There’s more, but I’m banging this out before my flight so you get about the same amount of research out of me right now that any of my “intro to…” professors got.

***

That Heineken commercial is hilarious (it’s in Dutch or something, but you’ll get it):

***

Alright!  Starting tommorrow I’ll be getting actual hockey information from Canadian sportscasters.  Gotta love it.  The blog is lookin’ up, hockey fans!

http://jtbourne.wordpress.com/2009/02/23/why-i-love-the-masters/

Hours of Aquos

Happy Masters week!

The NHL Playoffs are about to get started too!  Spring has sprung.

_______________________________________________________

I’m heading home to Canada to help Dad organize this years Hockey Great’s Fantasy Camp in August, which is perfect timing to get north of the border.  (Check out the site if you haven’t already, at www.bournevents.com)

 

What’s wonderful about the timing is that I’ll get Canadian coverage of hockey, playoff hockey, which means all you NHL fanatics will get better hockey coverage on my blog, at just the right time.  And by coverage, of course I mean opinions and observations; as you may have noticed I don’t really do scores and run-downs.  Bob Cole, Harry Neale, here I come.

*****

The Isles keep fighting: 

I got a text from Jeff Tambellini last night that said “we’re making our playoff push”.  I recommended they stop it or they might lose that pesky first overall pick.  Here’s to supporting his effort while wishing him losses.

*****

I’m in a No-Tiger Masters pool that lets you pick five players:  I chose:

Phil Mickelson (shocker), Rory McIlroy (actual shocker?), Paddy Harrington (top o’ the mornin’ to ya), Trevor Immelman (past champ) and Sergio Garcia (he’s going to win a major someday, the kid is too good).

Plenty of coverage to come.  On to other things.

*****

I watched The Godfather and Godfather II this past weekend for the first time.  They’re unbelievable shows with some classic lines.  I’m sure those of you who saw it way back when remember ”You come to me, on this, the day of my daughters wedding…”

And the all-time great:  “I’ma make him an offer he can’t refuse”.

Or my personal favourite “leave the gun, take the cannoli’s”.

Brando was awesome.

Clark Gillies is a member at the Huntington Crescent Club, a place where a few of the members could quite possibly have been cast as extras in those movies.  When I mentioned this to Clark, he said “that’s why there’s so many guy’s named Tony… they were all on the boat with – To NY - stamped on ‘em.”

So those are today’s little tidbits.  A nonsensical random thoughts blog is in the near future as well — my planner has recently overflown with gibberish thoughts.  Coming soon!

Hockey.  Golf.  Aquos.

 

I’ll be back in Kelowna Tuesday.  See all of you Canadian folk then.  With all my love to my recently departed Grandma,

jb

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